*Geminiによる採点
覚えたい英語表現
・might：～かもしれない
・self-employed：自営業
・save up：貯金する
今日の題材
家の所有には多くのリスクがともに余す。ですから、自分のサラリーや地位が持ち家を困難にするのなら、おそらくその危険を冒すべきではないのです。例えば、私は自営業で、銀行のローンを借りるのがとても難しいです。頭金として価格の半分以上を貯金しない限り、ずっと家を買うことはできないかもしれません。それは大金で、そこに到達するのに多くの年月がかかります。もし、そうなったとしたら、おそらく家を買うでしょうが、私の仕事環境が安定している場合に限られます。持ち家には多くの利点があると思いますが、全ての人に必要であるとは思いません。それが私の人生の一部になることはないかもしれませんが、私はそれで満足です。
添削後の回答
There are many risks associated with owning a house. Therefore, if your salary and position make owning a house difficult, you probably shouldn’t take the risks.
For example, I am self-employed, and it is very difficult for me to borrow money from the bank. Even if I save up more than half the price as a down payment, I will not be able to buy a house for many years. If that happens, I might buy a house, but only if my business circumstances are stable.
I think owning a house has many advantages. However, I don’t think it is necessary for everyone. In conclusion, owning a house will not be a part of my life, but I am content with that.
There are many risks to home ownership. Therefore, I would say, if your salary or position makes home ownership difficult, you probably shouldn’t risk it. For example, I am self-employed1, and it is very difficult for me to get a bank loan. I may never be able to buy a home unless I can save up2 more than half the price3 as a down payment4. That is a lot of money, and it will take me many years to reach that point. When I do, I will think there are many advantanges to home ownership, but I don’t feel that it’s necessary for everyone. It may never be a part of my life, and I am okay with that.
自分の解答
There are many risks to own house. Therefore, your salary and postition make owning house difficult, you probably should’t take the risks. For instance, I have business and it is very difficult to borrow bank money from bank. Even if I stock money as a head money which is more half price, I will not be able to buy a house forever. It is a big money, so I need many years to stock it. If it will be, I perhaps buy a house, but only if my business circumstance is stable. I think owning house is a lot of advantages, however owning house is not need for all people. In conclusion, it will not be a part of my life, but I satisfy to it.
Genmiによる講評
添削箇所と添削理由
文法・語彙
- “There are many risks to own house.” -> “There are many risks associated with owning a house.” (所有に伴うリスク)
- “your salary and postition make owning house difficult” -> “Your salary and position make owning a house difficult.” (句読点)
- “Even if I stock money as a head money which is more half price” -> “Even if I save up more than half the price as a down payment” (頭金の意味)
- “If it will be, I perhaps buy a house” -> “If that happens, I might buy a house.” (より自然な表現)
- “owning house is not need for all people” -> “owning a house is not necessary for everyone” (より自然な表現)
構文・表現
- “Therefore, your salary and postition make owning house difficult, you probably should’t take the risks.” -> “Therefore, if your salary and position make owning a house difficult, you probably shouldn’t take the risks.” (接続詞)
- “For instance, I have business and it is very difficult to borrow bank money from bank.” -> “For example, I am self-employed, and it is very difficult for me to borrow money from the bank.” (冗長な表現の削除)
- “I think owning house is a lot of advantages” -> “I think owning a house has many advantages.” (より自然な表現)
論理・構成
- 全体的に冗長な表現が多く、論理的な流れが分かりにくい。
- 段落分けが適切に行われていない。